To discover Tantra is the most enlivening event that can happen for a couple, restoring and healing their relationship. Tantra in its essence is a circle of life energy flowing between two people. It does not have to be between lovers for it can also be wonderful when applied to healing. Here, we are looking at how it flows between two lovers and how it can heal their relationship.

How is it that you know when you meet someone new that you are attracted? Of course, they look good or they smell good or you like the sound of their voice. Also, you feel something. That something you feel is the flow of tantric energy – subtle, but it is there.

Passion Love by Socrates

When you first touched your partner, you probably felt that ripple of electricity flowing between you. You may have been too distracted to pay it much attention. Sometimes, you may feel it when making love and you know that something special is happening. Sadly, it usually dries up after a while. How come? Why is that?

To understand, it helps to explore a little the way energy flows between a man and a woman. (In same sex couples it is similar, but a little trickier to explain.) It is as simple as this – opposites attract. The man’s sex centre, also known as his first chakra, is positively charged. The woman’s is negatively charged. Then, the woman’s emotional centre in her lower belly is positively charged, while the man’s is negative. Sitting silently doing nothing, or wildly gyrating on the dance floor, attraction happens by itself.

Then, if there is nothing to stop you and you end up in bed, the positive energy is raring to go. That is the man. The negative pole takes time to warm up, time to respond to the flow of positive energy. That is the woman. A familiar story. We can try all kinds of tricks and foreplay. Somehow, this problem usually does not go away. The man pushes along, appearing to have a great time, and the woman feels somehow left out.

To make matters worse, she expresses her discomfort from her emotional centre, which is positively charged. Here she feels strong but her man does not. He receives her response in his emotional centre, the belly, which is negatively charged. He feels he needs a little time to understand what is going on. In fact, he cannot understand what is going on. In no time, where love was the intention, a raging quarrel is the outcome. When I ask them about it, most couples have experienced this scenario. (It’s true; you’re not alone in this.) As time goes on, it may become a rut you cannot get out of. Changing partners may work for a while and then it is the same old story.

The solution is so simple – at least it’s simple to explain it on paper. Actually, it’s also easy to put into practice, except that we may have a lot of resistance. It is not really about foreplay. Foreplay creates a kind of superficial excitement but not the deep awakening that is possible in a woman’s sex centre. It is only that the man enters the woman and then you lie together and enjoy the stillness. The man does not need a full erection to do this. It may be better when he does not. More relaxed, he is carrying less of that charge that urgently demands action now.

After a while, the energy in the woman’s first chakra naturally responds. You do not want to be counting the minutes so please don’t try this when you have a deadline. It needs a little time and no one knows how long that will be. Once her response arises, the energy overflows upwards and the woman’s belly fills with energy, which flows, from her into the man’s second chakra. Instead of feeling confused by her he feels filled and satisfied in a place that may habitually feel needy. A circle of energy is created and most often that naturally leads the couple from stillness into movement.

The biggest difficulty with this practice is that when the man is waiting for something to happen, it does not happen. This happening requires a deep relaxation in both partners. The relaxation is combined with alertness; so last thing at night is not a good time to try this out for the first time. You will probably both fall asleep.

So, you will need an environment that is conducive to relaxation. A weekend alone together, at home or in a holiday cottage, where both of you can take time and care to create a beautiful environment. A teacher can be helpful in this so you could go for a tantra weekend. This does not have to involve lovemaking in public. The relaxation can happen in the group room, the awakening of the potential. Sex can still happen in the bedroom – the inner space has been prepared as well as the outer space. If it does not work out first time, you will not have to work it out with each other. There will be someone on hand to ask about any difficulties. Still, plenty of couples have worked this out on their own.

So, if the life is leaking out of your relationship, don’t head for the adult toys or the divorce courts. Try a little tantra and see what happens. Sex is a powerful energy that is always changing. The teachings of Tantra enable us to bring that energy into a balanced flow, which regenerates our love and us.